Jewish Words That Make An Appearance 

BAR MITZVAH – The coming of age ceremony celebrated when a boy becomes a man at the age of thirteen.

 

BIMA – The podium used for praying at a synagogue.

 

CHALLAH – The braided loaves of dough used for the beginning of Shabbat dinner.

 

CHASSIDIC – A sect of Judaism that wears the furry hats that look like tires and the curly hair on the side of their temples.

 

DAVENING – The Hebrew word for praying.

 

DERECH – The path of righteous Judaism we should never leave. Being religious and having babies is the only important, and Jews are terrified that their children will leave the Derech.

 

FRUM – Being orthodox to the extreme.

 

GEMATRIA – A bullshit form of justifying tragedies where the numerical value of Hebrew words is calculated to the same type of numerical value to something in the Torah, it means nothing, but people like to put full faith in this garbage.

 

GEMMORA – The law books Jews study every day.

 

GOYIM – The derogatory term for Non-Jews.

 

HASHEM – The name we assigned for God, but are not allowed to say the real name.

 

HAVDALLAH – The ending ceremony of Shabbat carried out by lighting a candle, drinking some wine, and smelling some incense. It’s quite beautiful, actually.

 

MECHITZA – Separation that is used in synagogues that divide the genders, because praying should never be done in the comfort of a family unit.

 

MINYAN – A group of ten men or more that are needed for Davening to be valid.

 

MITZVAH – A good deed that is used for the point system of going to heaven.

 

OFF THE DERECH (OTD) – When someone leaves the religious lifestyle - I highly recommend it.

 

PRU REVU – the first mitzvah in the Torah of being fruitful and multiplying. In order to be yotzei the mitzvah, you need to have a son and a daughter.

 

RABBI – A religious leader.

 

REBBITZEN – A rabbi’s wife. The highest form of respect a woman can have. Only men can be a person of power.

 

SHABBOS – The day of rest.

 

SHADCHUN – A matchmaker who thinks that the only purpose in life is to get married and everyone is heterosexual. They will insist that you’re gay because you haven’t met the right person of the opposite gender yet.

 

SHEMA – The prayer we say at night for protection.

 

SHTETLE – The eastern European living conditions of the pre-holocaust. Picture Fiddler on the Roof, but with less juggling wine bottles on our heads. The women still looked like crab apples left out in the sun, though.

 

SHUL – A synagogue, house of prayer.

 

TANACH – The Jewish bible in chronological order

 

TEFILLEN – Leather straps holding the prayers of Shema worn during Morning Prayer. Kinky. 

 

YESHIVA - An institution built to keep men busy by studying useless shit they'll never need in order for them to avoid thinking about the outside world or masturbation. It's used as a distraction so no one will ever leave.

 

YESHIVA BACHOR – A boy who attends Yeshiva, but has a specific mentality of sheltered and a non-free thinker.

 

YOTZEI – The act of fulfilling and completing a commandment.

 

YUSHKA – the name we gave to Jesus because it’s worse than saying Voldemort.